Heart Scream
by Ignea servus Dominus
Summary: Even the most immoral individuals can still retain a sense of virtue and nobility. No matter how anyone tries to bury it, there is still a conscience underneath...for Loki, it can no longer be silenced. (suicidal themes)
1. Forgive Me for Being So Blind

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

How could he have hurt them that way? What could have possessed him to attempt to kill the brother who loved him so much?

Loki plowed his hand through his hair, teeth clenching violently listening to the chorus of silent screams echoing in his soul.

"No!" He shrieked at the whispers of guilt. _Killer…Liar…Traitor… _"Be silent!

One could not fully express his hatred, his wrath, his rage… no word could express enough venom. And even for all his study, no tongue that he knew had ever created a word that could deliver enough cutting violence for his satisfaction.

"Damn you, you lying dog!" He cursed himself as he stumbled erratically to the glass of his cell to stare at his reflection

Captivity tends to give one time to reflect, time to scrutinize…and when the object beneath the microscope is yourself truths which one has suppressed become painfully clear.

"I am a liar." He said softly, clearly staring at his face but unable to actually see anything but the sickness of his heart. "I am a thief." He stated a little louder, his eyes narrowing at the man in the glass. "I am a traitor" Still, louder, his breathing became ragged. "I am a killer." His fists clenched.

"I am Loki!" He shouted toward the heavens, slamming his fists into the glass.

"I exist for nothing but evil! I am death! I am pain! I am hatred!" A agonized smile twisted it's way to his lips as a name came to mind that he had long forgotten. A name that the Midgardian's had given him long ago; it was a name which he had once found to be extreme… a name which he now thought an understatement…oh, how times change. "I am the God of Mischief!" His knees collapsed beneath him and he bowed his head to the glass.

'I wish it were only that, just mischief!" He choked, closing his eyes as memories played. "How I wish…" Loki broke off the sentence as he was wracked with self-loathing. "I don't deserve a second chance… I cannot change."

He knew that no matter how he tried, how much he regretted what he was, there was no way Loki could change, it was far too late to change, what he was...it was carved indelibly in his heart he knew that he was not strong enough to stop himself from following those paths. He would continue to do evil. He would continue to be a threat…because in just one moment of weakness he would relapse into the reactions which were almost instinctual now.

There was no way he could ask for their forgiveness. Even if the people of Asgard (and most importantly) his family, forgave him, they would never trust him.

Loki did not trust himself.

He could never make it up to them. Loki couldn't endure enough punishment for those he harmed to have the justice they deserved. There was no price he could pay which could possibly compensate for what he had stolen.

Although it was true that the others had contributed to his fall from grace, ultimately it had been his decision…it was his sin and his alone.

No matter how he tried to lay his guilt elsewhere, deep within he knew the truth. "The blame is my own." He whispered, burying his face in his hands, the raven wings of his hair spilling over his shoulders.

Loki slowly began to tremble with emotion as his heart throbbed painfully in his chest. "There is nothing I can do to fix what I've done…for as long as I live I will continue to wreak destruction!"

Then an idea began to form in his mind, there was only one way that he could protect the worlds from the monster that he had become, as a prince of Asgard, it was his duty to protect them…this was the only way he knew how.

With pain in his eyes, Loki raised his head and stared up at the ceiling of his cell. "I cannot repair the horror I have caused…" He stated. "… but I will prevent it from _ever _happening again."

It was a declaration and a promise, one of the few Loki had ever made that he intended to keep.

Closing his eyes, Loki slowly stretched out his hands before him and concentrated. Focusing and feeling the movement of the very elements themselves, with pain-staking concentration he began to desperately reach for the elements he desired, pulling them from the heart of nature and weaving them with his magic. Before long a slender, grey shape began to form between Loki's hands, steadily heightening in definition; until, suddenly, Loki's eyes flew open and the object clattered to the floor.

Loki swallowed thickly and picked up his creation, examining his handiwork; it was primitive, nothing more than a sharp shaft of pig iron but it would serve his purpose.

"The punishments mine." He said, quietly trembling.

To his credit, Loki's hands were steady as he unlaced his tunic. He slowly felt his way down from his left collar bone, counting the ribs with his fingers by feel…1…2…3…

Soon he found the hollow between the 4th and 5th rib and slowly slid his hand inwards towards his sternum and there was where he found what he sought.

Loki's breathing became pained and ragged as he took up the shaft. For some time he simply stared at it as it lay in his opened palm. Maybe, in some way, this would help to ease the suffering he had caused; make up for the wrongs he had done.

Maybe someone would understand his sacrifice and understand his remorse and perhaps, just maybe they would pity him. He couldn't help but torment himself that way; deep down he knew no one would mourn him, nor would anyone understand him; he was convinced that there was not another creature alive such as him; a monster with a conscience, what a freak.

Loki chuckled half-heartedly at the irony, idly wondering if he would return to his natural Jotun skin once he died.

It didn't matter. Slowly, he closed his eyes and drew in a breath of air as he set the point of the shaft at the vulnerable point between his ribs, directly in front of his heart.

Some part of him said that he didn't have to go through with it. The mere fact that he was willing to commit the deed showed that he was a noble individual and therefore worth saving. But Loki quickly silenced those voices, his decision was made.

Loki wept as the tip of the shaft slowly pierced his flesh. "Dear family..." He sighed. "…you loved me so much more than I knew; forgive me for being so blind."

And then he plunged in the shiv.

_**Author's Note: **_Do not worry, dear readers, this is not the end of this story. There is more to come. (Oh, I do love being vague) Also, in case I did not make it clear, this is set after the end of "Avengers" and bases the assumption of Loki's imprisonment off of the trailer for "Thor: The Dark World".


	2. Dreams, Duties and Memories

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

Sleep slowly started to desert Thor as the sun began to kiss the horizon and he was forced to face the reality that his dream wasn't real.

Though it may have seemed cruel to have felt hope at the idea of his former brother's suicide, it would be the only way that all involved would find peace and closure. Even if Loki truly regretted his actions (which he did not) they would never be able to trust him, it wouldn't help with his sentencing either. Loki would spend the rest of his days in the prisons of Asgard, no matter how he behaved.

At least in the scenario his dream portrayed, everyone would find some form of release. Loki would be dead and no one would need to fear him anymore, since Loki killed himself, no one would need to take the blame for murder; Loki would be redeemed to himself and his soul would fly free, he would no longer be left to rot in prison…everyone could move on.

_If only things could be brought to life by dreams…_Thor thought wistfully.

The blond haired Asgardian, slowly stretched and slid from beneath the silken Bloody-Mary red sheets and furs, staggering to his feet and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

His world-wearied form stood hunched against the first dull rays of sun-light; no longer virile and joyful as he sprung from his bed…the events of the past years had taken a heavy toll on the Master of Lightning.

Sadness swept through Thor's heart.

Loki felt no remorse for his actions. And even if Loki did regret what he had done, that shame would never be so great as to warrant any-kind of apology, let alone blood sacrifice.

Some part of him still stupidly wished that Loki would have a change of heart and perhaps come to realize the wrong in his actions but Thor knew in his heart that it was impossible.

His little brother was long dead; in his place was a cruel, cold, heartless, manipulating beast.

_I hate you, Loki…_ The thought slipped into Thor's head before he could stop it. He knew that hate was self destructive, he also knew that it was a lie; no matter what Loki did, as his brother, Thor would always love him in some way. Thor had already freely forgiven Loki for what he had done. Deep down, Thor would always love his brother.

Thor sighed and took leave from his depressing thoughts. He needed to appear composed if he was going to attend to his grim duty.

It was not surprising that he had dreamt of Loki, today was exactly 16 months since he his brother's sentencing and he was duty bound to enter his brother's cell, to ensure that the enclosure was still sound, strong and impenetrable, from inside or out.

Though the task would normally have been delegated to one of the many palace guards, Thor considered Loki to be far too manipulative for anyone but himself to be able to safely place them-selves in a potentially compromising position with the mendacious scum.

Thor was probably the only one who knew Loki well enough to be able to discern the difference between honesty and manipulation…He was also the only one skilled enough to overpower Loki should he attempt the use of force.

Thor was careful as he magically bound his armor to the outside of his tunic, checking with certainty to make sure there were no weak points which could be exploited.

Finished with his dressing, Thor grasped Mjolnir and paused a moment before easily lifting the hammer. No matter how many times he summoned her, no matter how many times he easily lifted her, Thor always feared that one day he would wake up a no longer be worthy to wield the wondrous weapon.

Steeling himself, Thor strode out his room, the door slamming shut behind him.

Today every step seemed to be shorter than it should have been; time was like sand slipping through his fingers as he made his way down the dungeons of Asgard to perform his inspections.

It was still early as Thor swept through the halls. Many of the other warriors had yet to rise and were still dozing peacefully. Everything was eerily silent as Thor made his way to the obscure and carefully concealed tunnel which led to the dungeons of the palace.

The post guards paid their homage to the Prince of Asgard as he passed between them and entered the midnight passage to begin his long trek into the very heart of Asgard's terrain.

Thor did not bother to bring a torch, he did not need one; he knew these passages by heart. So much of his childhood had been spent exploring the palace; Thor probably knew it better than anyone except those who built it.

He still remembered the first time he had been down these passages; it was almost like yesterday

…_Loki had been boasting on and on about the tunnel he had discovered and how he was the only one of the two who was smart enough to find it. "Now, you'll never be able to find me, brother!" Loki had taunted, almost goading Thor into walloping him right then and there. But Thor wasn't foolish enough to go beating his little brother when Loki had plausible deniability for his instigation. Thor decided he would play the game on Loki's turf._

_Thor knew that all he had to do was bide his time and wait for Loki to head for his "secret tunnel", then Thor would follow him. Simple, right? Well, not really, because Thor hadn't taken into account how tiresome it would become to secretly follow his little brother around the palace all day long…but follow him he did and eventually, Thor's patience paid off and he caught Loki sneaking into the darkened passage. At the time there were no prisoners important enough to be kept in the dungeons of the palace and therefore no reason to post guards at its entrance…oh what a grave error the Captain of the Guard made with that decision! For although there were no prisoners to guard from escape, there were certainly curious and troublesome little boys that should have been guarded from entrance!_

_Cautiously, Thor had approached the mouth of the tunnel and carefully peered around the corner. A smirk had spread across his face as a wicked plot entered his mind. Quietly, Thor slipped down the steps into the darkness, making his way entirely by feel. Once Thor was deep enough in the tunnel that couldn't be seen he pressed himself flush against the wall and waited for Loki to return._

_He didn't have to wait long; soon he heard the light step of his brother as he made his way up the stairs. Thor's muscles tensed and a dark smile touched his lips; it was so hard to keep from laughing at the anticipated prank!_

_When Thor felt Loki's warmth approach, he coiled and then leapt away from the wall with a shrieking wail which would have made any female soprano proud._

_Loki screamed with terror as something howled and grabbed him, utterly debilitated with panic, Loki struck out with as much force as he could in an effort to defend himself._

_When Loki struck him, Thor was sent flying down the stone steps and the last thing he remembered for himself was feeling his head crack against the stone._

_It was only after Thor awakened that he learned the whole story, his Mother said that after he had fallen Loki said he had recognized the wail of Thor's voice and had ventured back down the steps to fetch him. When Loki realized that Thor was only just barely breathing, Loki had panicked; frightened, Loki had scooped him up and carried him as fast as he could to the healers._

_Loki had saved his life that day. It would be the first of many other occasions. After that, things had been different with his brother, Thor owed Loki his life and he would never forget it…_

"That was back when he still had a heart…" Thor muttered sadly. What had changed? He wondered as he rounded the last bend before Loki's cell. Thor knew what had changed but it was so hard to comprehend that jealousy and the discovery of what Loki truly was would be enough to induce the brother who had once saved Thor's life, to actively seek to end it.

"Brother…" Thor murmured bitterly before he opened the final door. "What a disgusting word."

_**Author's Note:**_ Hello all, yes the previous chapter was, in fact, Thor's dream…or would that be nightmare? I don't know… anyway, don't take everything at face value, there is much more to come. For those that think that Thor is too bitter toward Loki, I personally believe that having someone you love betray time and time again would not be a good way to foster warm and amiable feeling for that person, as a matter of fact, I believe it would completely and totally remove them. I hope you're enjoying the story, please tell me what you think!


	3. Of Man and Manipulation

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

_Continued…_

"Brother!" An all too enthusiastic voice cried, echoing almost hollowly throughout the expanse of the cavernous room.

"_As I said…" _Thor thought darkly. "…_what a disgusting word."_ Thor carefully schooled his expression into hollowness as he met eyes with the trickster inhabiting one of the dungeons transparent cells. "_No…"_ Thor corrected himself. "_…only disgusting when coming from the mouth of one who would twist sentiment to their will, how despicable!"_

Thor offered no greeting, even as his lying brother attempted to feign exuberance at his arrival; Thor had already resolved to prevent any and all verbal exchange with Loki. Repartee was a battle at which Thor could be easily exploited and manipulated; it was for that reason that he chose silence over foolishness.

Somewhere in the back of Thor's mind a Midgardian saying echoed which assured him of the validity of his resolution. How did it go again? Oh yes: "A wise man knows his limitations."

Games of words were certainly one of Thor's limitations and Thor did not intend to give Loki any kind of opening. One cannot attack what is not there. If Thor gave Loki no words to dissect, exploit or otherwise benefit from, there was nothing that Loki could say to coax valuable information from him.

"Thor!" Loki greeted with undertones of relief and joy as his older brother stepped into his seemingly permanent residence.

Thor took a moment to assess the veracity of Loki's actions, observing the way his brother looked to him with wide eyes filled with hope, a look similar to one that a man dying of thirst might give to the sight of cold water.

"I missed you, bro-" Loki began, almost in a whisper.

For a brief moment, Thor almost wanted to believe his brothers act….but then he looked behind Loki's eyes and once again saw the cold and calculating machinations of one who bent every psychological weakness, every fault-line and every usable opportunity to his will, so he could take what he wanted from people.

And Thor shook his head, choking Loki's smoothly poisoned words within his throat. It was an unmistakable gesture, one that no one could miss and one that sent and unequivocal message to Loki "I am not buying. End of story."

Thor was only slightly insulted that Loki had believed him vulnerable to falling for such a trick. But then again…he had fallen for it once. Thor winced at the memory in spite of himself.

Loki silently sank back against the wall of his cell with a look of pained rejection carefully placed on his countenance, content to sit and observe his brother as Thor slowly stalked the cell like a hunting beast looking for prey.

"_Why do they even bother?"_ Loki wondered to himself as he watched Thor examine the walls and floors of his containment area for any weakened or otherwise molested areas. _"Those fools should know that I am not stupid enough to try such a direct approach to escape." _Such presumptuous actions were not Loki's style. He preferred the use of wit, stealth and cunning as opposed to the unrefined and desperate scrabblings of desperate men. He was certainly not desperate and he was certainly no common man.

And no matter how "cunningly" they attempted to contain him, Loki would get out and when he did, he would claim the throne of Asgard. His vengeance would be swift, decisive and silent. Thor, Odin and Frigga would be dead before they saw him. He had just not yet found the right tool for his escape.

As Thor turned his back to Loki and went to take his leave, Loki decided to give it one more shot before this chance was gone for another month.

"Thor, I know you don't believe me…" Loki began, fake tears welling to his eyes, carefully stifling his voice to simulate emotion. "…but I can't tell you how much I regret what I did-"

"Enough!" Thor bellowed, sickened by Loki's continuous lies. "Have you no shame?!" Thor demanded, spinning to meet Loki's widened eyes as he advanced in a purposefully intimidating manner. "The day I believe you regret your actions will be the day you kill yourself in shame and remorse!" Thor cried, remembering the previous night's dream. "Only then I will believe your current lies, Loki Silvertongue!"

Thor was actually rather surprised by what a poor attempt Loki had made at manipulation…it had been, well, for lack of a better word, pathetic. Only a child or a simpleton could have been fooled by such a blundering, sudden and forceful proclamation of remorse.

He knew Loki too well to believe that his lies were actually that unbelievable, Loki had an ulterior motive for his blatantly false act; Thor just needed to discover the motive…

As the door to the prison slammed shut, Loki snarled in frustration.

His lies had goaded Thor into the outburst of anger that he had hoped for…unfortunately, it had not yielded the fruit of information that he needed. There was nothing that Thor said in that moment of indiscretion that could be of use.

"…_unless you count the reassurance of Thor's hatred."_Loki thought coldly.

Alone once more, Loki sat and stared up into the ceiling, mourning the lost opportunity and trying to think of another method of acquiring the information sought.

Honestly, Loki had no idea what it was he had hoped to glean from Thor, there was nothing particular that he could think of, it had just been a ghost of a plan, one that relied entirely upon Thor relaying a tidbit of information which Loki could use to aid his escape.

Although he would never admit it, Loki secretly marveled at how ingenious his imprisonment was; Odin knew what human contact was to Loki, knew how dangerous it could be to the safety of Asgard, it was for that reason that Odin had designed Loki's punishment to strip that interaction from his grasp.

There was absolutely nothing upon which Loki could draw…nothing. He had always relied on the use of other beings as pawns to achieve his goals, without them, he was at a loss.

Nonetheless, Loki felt something pulling at the back of his mind telling him that he had the solution; it was unmistakable and certain but Loki simply couldn't put his finger on it. After many hours of contemplation, Loki's mind simply exhausted itself and he seamlessly slid into slumber.

_**Author's Note:**_ Hola, again! Yes, I pounded out two chapters in less than a day; that is what happens when one has time on their hands. I know these past two chapters have been slightly uneventful but bear with me, remember: slow and steady wins the race. (Unless the hare isn't witless enough to take a nap before crossing the finish line, in that case, as the tortoise, you're hosed.) Rest assured. Things will get rolling very soon.


	4. Idle Hands

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

_Continued…_

As he slept, dreams began to swirl in Loki's mind, slowly taking on form and clarity…

_Loki stared down at himself, forced to kneel before the golden throne of Odin, his hair spilling over his cheeks, shielding his eyes from the glares of hatred which assaulted him from all sides._

_It was his sentencing, he realized, he could hear the roars of anger from the crowd, screaming to see his life end then and there._

_He suddenly found himself rising and then Odin's voice issued from his throat, passing his judgment, declaring Loki's lifetime imprisonment._

"_I am seeing this as Odin saw it…" Loki realized, staring down at his own snarling visage._

_He heard the crowd screaming with jubilance as he was led away to the dungeons…_

Loki's eyes flew open, slumber instantly abated. That was the answer! That was what he had been trying to grasp at!

To see things through another's eyes! An inkling of a memory slowly trickled into his mind. It had been so long ago!

"_Mother…" A five year old Loki asked as Frigga tucked him into bed. "Why is it that just before I go to sleep, I sometimes see flashes and pictures from your eyes?" Frigga's head cocked to the side, her face twisted with confusion. "What do you mean child?" She asked. "Well…" Loki replied. "…like last night, I saw you going outside to talk to Father about teaching me to use magic."_

_Frigga's eyes widened, substantially. She had been planning to begin tutoring Loki in that subject for some time but she hadn't told Loki because she didn't want to raise his hopes only to crush them if Odin hadn't given his approval. "You saw that?" Frigga asked. "Yes, Mother, I'm really happy, I can't wait to starting magicking! But, Mother…" He pressed. "…why did I see that?" _

"_I…don't know, Loki…" She stuttered. Truthfully she had known but it had seemed far too fantastic for it to be true. Frigga had only explained it to him years later long after he had outgrown the anomaly._

_That was an encounter that he remembered with utmost clarity._

"_Loki…" Frigga began as her now teenaged son poured over his studies. "Yes Mother?" He asked. "Do you remember when you were small and you asked me why it was that you could sometimes see what I saw right before you fell asleep?" Loki frowned and thought for a moment. "Yes, I remember, Mother…vaguely…" Frigga sighed. "I never did answer your question, Loki, because the answer was one that was very hard to comprehend giving to a five year old…"_

_Loki stared at her in confusion. "Loki, what you did was very…impressive and also…very dangerous." With a sigh, Frigga went to the book shelf and pulled out one of the newer tomes. With care, Frigga flipped through the pages till she found what she was looking for. "Here Loki, read this…" She told him, placing the leather-bound book within his hands. _

_Loki stared at the page and slowly began reading, it was a treatise on telepathy; written by one of Asgards recent magical prodigies. The basic thesis was that if one were to bring themselves to a complete state of peace and simply allow their magic to flow without any control, when another consciousness brought them into its line of thought, that thought would act as a beacon to that individuals magic and would allow the magician to remotely view things through the eyes of another._

_Loki's eyes went wide. "You mean to tell me…I did this when I was five years old!" Loki asked, stunned. Frigga silently nodded her head. "It makes sense. You were too young to be able to control your magic, when you were at peace your magic naturally reached out."_

_Loki sat there dumbly staring at the page. "Are the people whose viewpoint is observed affected by the intrusion?" He asked. Frigga shook her head. "No, they are never even aware of it." "But you said it was dangerous Mother, what did you mean?" Loki pushed, puzzled. _

"_Loki…" Frigga replied, gravely. "…hundreds of sorcerers have gone into a comatose state after attempting this. Very few have ever even tried this without high personal cost." _

"_Why?" Loki asked._

_Frigga sighed once more. "Because they forgot themselves, they became so focused on what someone else was experiencing that they forgot to leave enough of a mental link to their own body to return."_

"_Loki…" Frigga whispered. "I know how curious you are but promise me, you will never attempt this…ever." _

_Loki looked up into his Mother's worried gaze, as much as the idea fascinated him, he did not desire to cause her grief. "I promise Mother."…_

Loki smiled in dark amusement at the memory; that was one promise that he had kept. Although many times over the years he had often thought of attempting the feat, in the end, Loki had always stayed true to his word. Eventually, he had forgotten about it entirely…until now.

"Well…" Loki said wryly to himself. "…I guess this is one more promise that I can break."

Even though Loki knew it was dangerous, this was one of his few chances at freedom. He would just have to be careful. It wasn't as though he had no experience in the area, when he had communicated with the Other while on Midgard, there had always been the chance that he would become too focused on the situation and would accidently transport his body into the world his mind was visiting, Loki had been forced to keep a small amount of his mind focused on his physical body's surroundings in order to maintain his presence. How different could this be?

"_Besides, what do I have to lose?" _Loki thought flippantly.

Swallowing, Loki closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall of his prison. He breathed in slowly, relaxing every muscle and wresting control from his magic…

Loki's first few attempts proved unsuccessful. After purposefully channeling his magic for so long, it was difficult to just let go and allow it to do as it would….

"_Amusing…" _Loki thought. "_…it was a great challenge learning to control magic and now when I need to relinquish my dominance of it, I can't! How ironic…"_

Suddenly an echo began to fill Loki's head. "Oh Loki…" It whispered; Thor's voice! A swirling sensation suddenly caught him within its tendrils, he felt as though he were turning to mist. That was when Loki came to a realization: he had done it…!

_**Author's Note:**_ Good day everyone, I hope this story is beginning to gain sufficient momentum to keep your taste for entertainment sated! Hang on to seats because you are about to be in for a wild ride! Yippee ki yay! (Yes, that is actually how it is spelled)


	5. Unintended Consequences

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

A feeling of smug triumph ran through Loki as images began to form in front of his sight. _"Oh, my dear brother…" _He thought sardonically. _"...how mortified you would be to know that you were the vessel through which I sought my escape."_

Unfortunately, Thor was not doing anything of interest at the moment, simply sitting silently within his bedroom, staring out the window at the fading sunlight…

Loki actually paused to marvel at the sight that appeared to him through Thor's eyes, it had been so very long since he had since the stars or the sun…he hadn't really noticed how much he had missed them but suddenly he couldn't help but soak in their beauty.

"_Loki plunged off the bifrost on a night just like this…"_ Loki felt his own body flinch in surprise as he experienced a crushing feeling encircling Thor's heart. "_Oh, Loki…do you have no conscience left?"_ Thor thought.

Suddenly memories began crashing into Loki, overwhelming him. Flashes began spinning before his sight: he and Thor, wrestling in their parents' chamber_s_, swimming together in the lakes of Asgard, stealing fruit from their Mother's garden, his own first attempt at riding a horse, the time Thor assaulted a young man who had called Loki a name.

These were Thor's memories!

Then the scenes jumped ahead to the fateful night on the bifrost, he saw himself falling over the edge, watched himself plead with Thor to pull him up and felt Thor's brotherly concern as he knelt over the edge to offer him a hand.

Unwittingly, Loki could sense himself wince as he felt Thor's confusion and betrayal for himself as his hand passed through the illusion Loki had cast.

"_Loki is nothing but a liar…" _Thor thought in agony, an agony that Loki couldn't help but share.

"_Loki has deceived me more times than there are stars within the heavens…"_ Thor thought, bitterly recalling each galling act of betrayal.

"_Why Loki? Why? I know that you felt over-shadowed brother…" _Loki felt Thor's eyes press shut as he choked on sadness. "_…but still I loved you. I'll always love you…you were my brother._ _There was so much potential in _you_ Loki…you could have been a force for good! You could have been loved and adored by the people of Asgard as a trusted advisor and friend…"_

Thor's unbelievable disappointment felt as though it were his own. "_You could have been so much Loki! Why can't you see that? Why do you hold blindly to narcissism?" _Thor paused in his thoughts and placed his head into his hands, running his fingers through his hair. "_You wasted your life brother…"_ And to Loki's own surprise he knew why it was that Thor could say that he had wasted his life; because now, Thor's thoughts, feelings, memories and morals were almost…his own.

Loki wanted to scream in anger at the overwhelming sense of betrayal that was coursing through Thor, why did he have to experience this?! Forced to feel Thor's disappointment and sadness…and most repulsive of all, _sentimentality,_ he was unable to do anything but _understand_ Thor's point of view.

Memories of Thor's time on Midgard became easily accessible; he "remembered" realizing the value of humility and virtue; felt Thor's own repentance for his arrogance and recalled an untamable desire to prevent injustice as he replayed Thor's memory of their fight on the bifrost.

All of this was for Loki to cherish. In that moment, _he was as Thor._

"_Loki…"_ Thor thought sadly. "_If only you could change… I know that's impossible but I still wish for you to return to innocence. I wish to see you at peace again brother… See you look at me without hatred…"_

"_At peace?" _Loki snarled mentally. "_I will be at peace the day I rule this kingdom."_

Thor slowly walked onto the terrace, surveying the majestic beauty of Asgard in the early star light.

"_All of this will be mine to protect one day." _Thor thought solemnly. Thor slowly smiled to himself. _"Amusing that only a couple of years ago, I would have thought "Mine to rule" and not seen the mantle of kingship for what it truly is: a guardianship." _

Loki felt as though he had been slapped in the face, even though Thor was unaware of his presence, the thought and the feelings attached to it were extremely poignant.

"_That was where Loki went wrong, he sought to rule, not to guard." _Thor mused.

"_You know not the reason for my actions, brother!" _Loki thought venomously.

Loki began to extricate himself from Thor's thoughts. Obviously his brother would not be providing him with any information tonight; Thor's mind was too busy condemning him.

Loki was trembling as he returned to his own body, sweat cooling on his brow. The strain of maintaining both his mind and his physical body was great. On top of that, he felt completely and utterly raw… no matter how he'd tried he couldn't stop himself from understanding and feeling as Thor.

And now Thor's consciousness was a part of him. His own mind rejecting and yet at the same time accepting everything that had been thrust upon him…

Loki ground his teeth in agitation.

Thor's feelings, memories and experiences made his consciousness and outlook run askew of Loki's own and yet now, Loki could not help but feel and remember them for himself.

As he did, Loki wrestled with turmoil. It was as if two opposite beings had been meshed into one. Loki's decision's seemed to be the most intelligent based upon his past, his thoughts and his emotions yet at the same time, Loki understood Thor.

Confusions swirled in Loki's mind. When he had seen things through Thor's eyes, he had no choice but to feel and overwhelming love for justice, he had no choice but to see the value in emotion and love, Loki had experienced Thor's love for him and at the time there was nothing he could do but wholeheartedly feel the strength that love and humility gave him.

Conflict raged within Loki…

While he was within Thor's mind, he had seen and he had believed what Thor believed.

He had been Thor…and yet he was also Loki.

He raked his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit he had long carried. "Divided…" Loki murmured, dropping his head into his hands.

Then and there Loki made a decision, no matter how monumental became his desperation or grasp for the lure of freedom, Loki could…no, would, never try that tactic again….ever.

_**Author's Note: **_My apologies for the lateness of this chapter, unfortunately technical issues prevented me from sharing this *self proclaimed* literary classic with you. I promise you things are not going to go all as you planned as we continue….(Draw from that what you will, muhahahaha!)


	6. Agonized Affection

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

Sif strode purposefully down the golden halls of the Palace, her stiff shadowing gliding almost too quietly over the gilded walls. _"This is my duty…" _Sif chanted to herself. _"I do this not for selfish gain…this is my duty…" _ Sif could sense that something had disturbed Thor. There had just b_een _something a little off that day…small things, things that only Sif would have noticed, Thor's shoulders sagged, his steps were heavy…he seemed dismayed somehow.

Although she would have never have confessed it, Sif couldn't help but be saddened whenever the light seemed to die away from Thor's eyes, he was her sun…

"_Why did I have to love him of all warriors?"_ Sif thought, pain teasing at the throbbing heart in her bosom. "No, I don't love him…" She breathed sharply. "I can't love him!" "…_then why is it I take it upon myself to visit him, in his chambers and at night, no less, just to check on him?! I am not altruistic, I don't do this out of duty…I do it because I wish him to notice me…to love me. I know it's wrong. I know it's selfish. I know it's hopeless." _Sif hated how much Thor meant to her. Often, when she was alone with her thoughts, she would curse his very existence. Sif knew he didn't love her in the same way, never would, either…but, all the same she did love him. She stayed at his side, a faithful dog. "_All I want to do is love you!" _She could hear herself pleading in her mind.

Beneath the sharpness of her exterior, Sif's heart was tender. There was nothing she wouldn't do for Thor…but no matter what she did, what she said, he would never understand. He unwittingly held her heart in his hands…

Sif had loved him for far longer than it seemed she could remember, for her there was nothing before Thor. Although few would have ever believed her, it wasn't Thor's appearance she loved, it wasn't his status or charisma…it was his heart. If Thor had been nothing more than a poor peasant, Sif didn't doubt that she would have loved him. Although he had once been very foolish and arrogant…his heart had always been in the right place. That was why she loved him. Sif had never met a man who tried so hard to do what was right. Or one who believed so deeply in justice. Even before he had matured, Sif had seen the goodness in him.

Sadness pooled in Sif's heart which mixed like wine with anger at the injustice of her position, ever since Thor had returned from Midgard, he had pined for the company of the Midgardian Jane Foster….never once had he looked Sifs way or ever realized that she would have done anything for him.

While Sif wanted Thor's happiness more than anything her heart still screamed silently at the injustice of it all.

"_That mortal could never love him as deeply as I do…"_ Sif cried silently to herself. How could a woman, Thor had known for precious more than a few days, a woman who had done so little in comparison with Sif, ignite his passions when she who had offered her life as the ultimate sacrificial gift for the man she loved was ignored.

The story of Sif's love was a long one, yet it was still very simple, Thor had given her the chance that no one else ever had.

When she had first begun to enter into the years which quickly preceded adulthood, Sif had tried in vain to find one who would be willing to train her as a warrior. She had confidently approached many warriors and guards, asking simply that the train her to as one of them. All of them said that it was too late. _"If you were not trained from birth, you cannot be trained_." One warrior explained succinctly.

"_Why would a noble woman even desire to become a warrior?" _Many asked, perplexed. On Asgard, the children who would become warriors were often handed over to serve the crown by their parents while they were still toddlers, few ever chose to willingly put themselves through the rigors and agonies of training…but Sif did.

More than anything, Sif had wanted to be worthy of the honor and glory which was bestowed upon those who fought in the name of Asgard, she wanted to prove her worth, not only to herself but to those around her. _"More than anything I wanted to feel as though my life mattered…"_ Sif remembered, quickly approaching the great hallway which led exclusively to Thor's chambers.

"_I owe my entire life to Thor." _She thought, her heart warming with gratitude. Thor had trained her, when no one else would, said yes, when no one else had. It had been outrageously presumptuous of her to approach a prince of Asgard with such a request…but she had. Sif had never expected that he would say yes…but so great was her quest for glory that she had felt just reckless enough to try it.

"_Yes." _That simple word had changed her life forever. Thor had believed in her. He was the only one that had. He had encouraged and comforted her by turns, he was the only reason that she had ever become one of the greatest warriors in Asgard and the only woman who ever had earned such a descriptive.

"_And I did earn it."_ Sif thought grimly remember the blood, sweat and dust of her training days. But through the course of her training she had acquired something much greater than honor: she acquired a heart through and for the man who made her what she became.

Sif hesitated before gently knocking on the door to Thor's living quarters. She knew her reason for being there was selfish but still…if she didn't comfort him, who would know to do so?

Composing herself, Sif brought her knuckles hard against the dense wood.

_**Author's Note: **_I know it has been awhile since the last update but there have been further issues which needed to be addressed before this story could be continued. I hope I did not bore any of you too terribly. Yes, Sif loves Thor.


	7. Doubt and Disappointment

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own any of Marvel's characters; all elements belong to their respective creators.**

_Continued…_

Sif stood expectantly as she listened to the harsh echo of her fist's impact against the wood. Despite how much she tried to dampen it Sif could not help how her heart rate quickly picked up speed as she weighed all of the possible scenarios which could play out…

The soft thud of Thor's approaching footsteps pulled her to attention…she wanted to appear composed for Thor.

The heavy door smoothly swung inward to reveal half of Thor's lean, muscular frame. Sif kneeled out of protocol.

"In what way may I be of service, Milady Sif?" Thor asked, surprised to see her at the door of his chamber. Sif took a deep breath, her throat suddenly seemed dry.

"I-" Sif began, her voice halting as she tried to think of what she would say next without sounding incompetent. "I came to see what was troubling you, Milord."

"Rise, Lady Sif." Thor commanded, offering her a hand. "Nothing troubles me, Milady, although I appreciate your concern; you must be mistaken." He lied. Thor hated lying to a woman he had long ago come to see as family but Thor did not feel comfortable baring his innermost sadness to Lady Sif. It wasn't that he did not trust her but Sif was not known for possessing any great amount of sympathy nor was she known as an understanding person.

"Do not deceive me, Thor Odinson." Sif stated. "I know that you have not spoken the truth."

"I do not desire to discuss it." Thor stated harshly, his formality slipping.

"Please Thor…" Sif asked, trying her best to prevent herself from sounding like a pleading subject. "Something troubles you I can sense it. Do you not trust me?"

Thor closed his eyes in exasperation. " It is not that I do not trust you Sif, I am not comfortable burdening you." No, it wasn't entirely true but he did not wish to offend her. Thankfully Thor was an adept liar when it was required.

"Thor…" Sif said measuredly. "…you "burdened" me with a trip to Jotunheim..." A note of humor slid into her voice, Thor winced in embarrassment at the mention of his foolishness. "…I do not honestly believe that you would have any quams with "burdening" me once more, Prince Odinson"

Although her words were firm, they were said in a light, teasing tone. A airy smile crossed her lips as she watched Thor drop his defensiveness, he was allowing her in, albeit unwillingly. Her eyes softened with compassion, this was the side of her that Thor, and only Thor, could bring forth.

Sif gently repeated her question. "Thor, what troubles you, my brother?" …_my brother… _Sif echoed mentally. She had called him that for years it was the closest she ever came to saying what she truly meant. For every time should referred to Thor as such, she was all the while thinking how easily one could replace that word with "lover_". _

…"_Lover…" "Brother…" _Sif thought, enunciating the syllables in her mind. …_Yes, they rhyme beautifully…_

"Come Sif…" Thor said to her in defeat, closing the door behind him as stepped past her and out into the hallway. "…if we must talk, let us speak in a less unseemly setting than my chambers."

Sif quietly followed the Asgardian Prince out into the gardens of the palace.

Thor was right to arrange a different setting for their meeting, tongues would wag if the Lady Sif was ever seen entering the chambers of Asgard's Prince, unescorted, after dusk…

A long wondered at trait of Sifs had long been her resolute refusal of the many bed's offered by the men of the court… if she were seen in such a compromising scenario with Thor, the mockers would be delighted at the downfall of her virginal reputation.

Sif smirked as a thought entered her mind. _Not that I would mind having such a reputation…with Thor. _She mused, as Thor led her into the orchard, after a moment he gestured for her to take a seat on the soft moss beneath the trees as he himself, lowered his frame to the ground.

"What is wrong…?" Sif asked softly, as Thor stared distractedly out across the shadowed landscape.

Thor sighed.

"I had to inspect Loki's cell today." Sif pursed her lips in distaste and sympathy.

"It always disturbs me to see what he has become…" Thor said softly, memories of he and Loki's past amiable relations springing to mind.

"I loved…no, I love, Loki Odinson, my brother….but I believe he is dead. In his place stands Loki Laufeyson, the murderer."

There had been a time, one long past, when Loki had been nothing more than a trickster, all of his schemes had been relatively harmless, he had been a friend once, a valued, if unrecognized, comrade.

Thor looked down. "I cannot understand where the switch was flipped…I will never know what it was that pushed him over the edge…sometimes, I can't help but wonder if I am partially to blame for what happened.

Sif nodded understandingly. "I, too, do not understand the machinations of Loki's mind…" Sif said. "…I know not how one can so willingly abandon those they care about, the things they have been raised to believe in… It is beyond my comprehension, as well. But that doesn't mean it is your fault, Thor…"

"I know that it tis not…" Thor interrupted. "…ultimately, it is Loki who is responsible for his actions but that doesn't stop the pain I feel when I see what Loki has wrought, the damage is the same."

Thor paused a moment, to look Sif in the eye, his sadness and guilt plain in his own eyes.

"Sif, what pains me most is the damage to thousands of Midgardian families who have had their lives irreversibly altered because Loki became this…monster."

Thor covered his face with his hands. "Sif…" He breathed softly. "Do you know what it is like to see the anguish of innocent people, to listen to their wails of grief as they mourn their dead and knowing that it was someone you loved who had caused this…?" Thor looked up into the starry night.

"A king, should be wise enough to prevent such things…though I do not know what I could have changed. Perhaps I should have killed Loki on the bifrost…perhaps I should not have allowed the Midgardians to take custody of him after I found him on Midgard…I do not know...I just wish I had been able to halt him."

"Thor…" Sif said quietly, feeling anger well within her chest at the traitorous man who had caused Thor so much grief.

"…I cannot empathize…" Sif reached out and comfortingly stroked his arm, Thor looked at her wearily, she met his gaze.

"…but what I have just witnessed confirms what I have always known, you will make a fine king. You care for those that you rule. Hold not doubt for your integrity, you have always given everything you possessed to do what you thought was right, you will never give this kingdom any less. You cannot achieve perfection…but you do attempt it. That is the most anyone can request of you. "

Sensing that he needed to be alone with his thoughts, Sif slowly stood and bowed.

"Good night, my Prince." And with that, Sif, turned and slid away into the shadows.

_**Author's Note: **_Loki will return in the next chapter, so please hold your horses. The account of Sif's training was based on the exchange from Thor which ended with: "…yes, but I supported you." Have a good day!


End file.
